Single Parenthood

"No legacy is so rich as honesty."

William Shakespeare



The conventional nuclear family is made up of a mom, dad and children. This representation of the norm has changed over the years, with studies showing that the modern family structure is more eclectic. The are homes with: extended/multigenerational members (grandparents, aunties/uncles, nieces/nephews); same sex parents; polygamous families; adult-child headed house-holds; and single parent households.

The single parent household is defined as having one adult and at least one biological, step or adopted child under the age of 18. However, this definition can and should include a parent who carries the bulk of the responsibility, where the second parent is not as hands on with the day-to day care of the child. The global average of single parent households is 7% with many African countries ranging up to 15%, and The US with the highest prevalence at 27%. Among single parent households, there is a disproportionately higher number who are women compared to men – this is mirrored across the world regardless of race, culture or religion.

Whether by design (a choice to peruse parenthood alone) or consequence (estrangement, divorce or death), The question that crosses one’s minds is, ‘how single parenting affects children?’

Parenting is a full-time job with several pressures and responsibilities that even with help and at the best of times, is hard work. It is undoubtably harder not having a partner with whom you have a shared vision for the life you want to build for your child(ren), a tag team buddy to help when you feel drained or to play, ‘good cop/bad cop’ when desperate times arise. Someone to co-pilot with when you are in the thick of it or to take the lead when you have nothing more to give. There may be financial pressure to provide a certain lifestyle off a single income and leisure time may be limited with a full-time job. If there is shared custody between separated parents, it may be challenging to provide continuity and consistency

between two households and introducing potentially new partners may require a lot of thought and planning.

A survey of adolescents living in nine types of households found that those who lived with parents who had always been single and those who were being raised in multi-generational households reported the highest sense of well-being. The report also went on to mention that the several children who were unhappy living in two-parent households were not happy with the levels of dysfunction and conflict between their parents. This suggests that there is more to being content and well adjusted than the make up of one’s family structure.

When children experience difficult circumstances, it is usually accompanied by outward chaos that can be described as having behavioural issues – being aggressive, substance abuse, truancy, etc. The other equally concerning response is inward chaos embellished with perfectionism. This can present as emotional withdrawal from friends/family, impeccable academic grades, sporting excellence and the façade of a perfect child. Both responses are children struggling with their emotions and looking for ways to cope.

There is a complex tapestry of emotions at play within all of us, a tangled network of feelings that can cause overwhelm, or trigger anxiety or depression. It is crucial to demystify the taboo of having these very human emotions. For example, sadness at lost hopes of being raised in a two-parent household, can be juxtaposed with gratitude for what one does have. Anger for not having what others seemingly take for granted, offset by the guilt for wanting more. Rage at feeling cheated contrasted with the fear of not feeling good enough. The openness to consider these truths can take away the sense of shame that too many of us carry.

Surround children (and yourself) with a village of people you can trust and depend on to step in when you are not able to. Grandparents, godparents, siblings, friends, doctors, psychologists, teachers, coaches etc. can all be a part of a functioning emotional ecosystem. The idea is to outsource the help you need, so that you don’t have to outsource your parenting. Three key anchors we can provide children are: 1. Boundaries, to create safety. This will include rules about behaviour, expectations and consequences 2. Consistency, to establish trust. Routine and predictability are important for day-to-day living and 3. Support, to feel connected to others. This will include physical & emotional support.

Of course, children are going to test our boundaries and resolve (it’s kind of their sole mandate in life). The tightrope we walk (together) is trying to balance being in a position of power/authority while allowing children to feel that we are approachable and unconditional with our love.

Myth Busting

• Trying to be our child’s ‘best friend’, which may also be referred to as permissive parenting is unkind. It can leave children feeling unsafe, unsure of themselves and ultimately resentful towards their parent(s).
• Quality time is not a function of quantity. Even an hour a day (no distractions, no cell phones) spent catching up or having fun together, goes a long way in making children feel special and cared for.
• Building connection with anyone, but most importantly our child, requires us to be vulnerable with them. This is not the same thing as overburdening them with details, but rather refers to authentic engagement and commitment to responsible communication in all seasons of life.